Living With Dying

My 93-year-old mother-in-law is dying. Well, actually, we are all dying, just in different ways and at different paces. For Mary Fiero the process happens to be more evident and advanced than my own. The inevitable is, nevertheless, unavoidable. To get the most we can from this life, we ought not to shy away from its ending. To avert our eyes at what we think is unpleasant is perhaps to miss a miracle and a marvelous blessing.

Unbeknownst to herself or anyone else, Mary fractured her ankle a while ago. The fracture became infected. When she could no longer walk because of the pain and swelling, she was transported to the hospital, from which she was transferred to a sub-acute rehab facility, and finally she has landed in a skilled nursing facility, where we expect she will live out the rest of her days.

I’m driving my wife, Evelyn, to Long Beach on Saturday. I will then fly back home so I can attend to the daily necessities of making a living while she stays at her mother's house and helps her brothers go through the house to get it ready to put on the market. And of course she will spend time with her mother. It is impossible to predict at this point what is going to happen. It seems unlikely that Mary will recover and come home, but her passing is not necessarily imminent, either. It is liable to be a long, slow process. We need to be prepared not only for the inevitable, but for a protracted vigil with many twists and turns and ups and downs.

This is the time in life when the Gospel of Jesus Christ means the most. Life comes into perspective, priorities get aligned, and the true values of family and love take center stage. The daily trials and troubles of living mortal life in a fallen world lose a little of their urgency when you are close to someone from whom those troubles slip so easily and quietly away.

Where do we look for solace when we face our endings? It is certainly not in the stuff we leave behind. We can look for meaning in the lives we have touched, the people we have helped, the children we have raised, the friends we have comforted, the less fortunate we have lifted, the needy we have served. But for me, even that is not enough. The people we leave behind are also mortal and will someday be gone. Suffering and sorrow, joy and pleasure are all temporary in this world. In the final analysis, they have no meaning if all there is, is this life and nothing more.

Thank God for Jesus Christ. He not only taught but proved with infallible witness that this life is not all there is. Hope is in Christ. Life is in Christ. Joy is in Christ. He is the Light, the Life and the Way. Christ promises that we will live forever, and he backs up his promise with his own resurrection. That which he did for himself he promises to do for everyone else.

The comfort in the doctrine of Christ is not that I will live forever, but that we will live forever. Those lives I have touched and helped and raised and comforted and lifted and served will not be obliterated. They will go on, as I will go on, because of a merciful, loving, living, joyful, all-powerful, all-knowing God and His Son, whom He sent as a sign and a beacon to all of His children. Hundreds saw the resurrected Christ in Jerusalem. Thousands saw him and touched his hands and feet in ancient America. Men and women in our day have seen him and talked with him. Fifteen men stand as living witnesses of the Living Christ today. God does not abandon us or leave us comfortless.

Christ is the Good News. Everyone who wants to be saved will be saved in a kingdom of glory. God really does intend to save every one of His children who want to be saved, which is pretty much all of us. Not everyone wants to be exalted – at least not enough to humble himself and repent and come to Christ for the full measure of the power of His Atonement – but everyone will have as much light and glory and joy for eternity as he truly wants and is willing to accept. That is God’s promise through His Son.

I know these things are true just as surely as I know that I live today, as surely as I see the sun and breathe the air around me, as surely as I feel the ground beneath my feet and earth’s gravity holding me in place. For Christ is the Light of the world, the Life of the world, the Rock of salvation, and the Anchor of my soul.

For Mary Fiero, who has lived a good life, who raised good children and grandchildren, who loved many more children whom she cared for in her home for thirty years, who served many in her church and in her neighborhood, who wore out her life doing the very best she knew how to do, I have great hope. I pray for her, that the days she has left will be peaceful. I pray for all who will care for her and sit with her and reminisce with her that they may be compassionate and kind and full of joy. May the miracle of the life she is leaving behind be but a dim reflection of the miracle of the new life she is entering.

May God help me to see myself in her. May my compass be free from the static of the world. May I see others for who they really are - children of God, very old and valiant spirits in frail and temporary shells. May I remember who I am. May we all remember and thank God.

Gracious Service Is No Accident

“Service does not happen by accident,” a wise man once said. I have pondered on that simple statement and how it applies to me. As I pondered, I was reminded of a recent incident that has troubled me because I did not handle it well at the time and have wondered how I might have done better.

I was entering Smith’s grocery store to pick up a prescription. It was after work, and I was anxious to complete my errand and get home. It was cold and dark, and the parking lot was slushy. Just as I walked in the door, my attention was drawn to a child who was crying and fussing. I looked up to see a mother slinging the whining child onto her back. The boy, who was about four years old, did not have any shoes on, and he was obviously unhappy about having to go outside in the cold. Using one hand the support the boy on her back, she reached back with her other hand and began to drag the shopping cart behind her. Her expression was resolute as she began to trudge towards the door.

All of this occurred in a matter of a couple of seconds. The little drama caught me by surprise. I stopped and watched the mother start to pull the cart towards the door. In that instant, the thought came to me that I should help her. So far so good – I saw a person in distress and I thought I should help. But then I started to analyze the situation.

I looked at the cart, which was not overly full, and I wondered why she didn’t just set the kid in the cart. I looked at the boy’s feet and wondered where his shoes were and why he would be barefoot on such a cold night. I saw the cart starting to roll, and I wondered if the woman had the strength to pull it the whole way.

I considered whether I should offer to push the cart or carry the child. If I offered to push the cart, would the woman think I was trying to steal her groceries? If I offered to carry the child, would she think I was a kidnapper? If I took the child, would he be afraid of a stranger and make a big scene?

Paralyzed by all of this analysis, I watched the woman pull the cart through the doors and out into the cold. I decided that she was going to make it on her own and didn’t need my help, so I turned to proceed into the store. But then the thought came again that I should help. I stopped again and turned around. By now the woman, the boy, and the cart had disappeared into the dark parking lot. I figured they were far enough along that I wouldn’t be able to catch up with them, so again I dropped the thought and headed to the pharmacy to complete my business and go home.

As I rehearse this incident in my memory, I recognize that my talent to analyze and think before I act is counterproductive in a situation that requires immediate and spontaneous reaction. I know many who would have responded instantly to the situation without analyzing exactly how they should help or how the offer to help would be received. They would have just jumped in and figured out the details as they went along.

My talent is not spontaneity. I believe, however, that I can develop that talent. The key for me to be more spontaneous goes back to the statement: “Service does not happen by accident.” I need to be prepared to be spontaneous. It is a fascinating paradox. The definition of spontaneous is to do something without forethought. Yet because of who I am, I have to plan to be spontaneous.

I will share a secret about being me that is not particularly attractive but is nonetheless the truth. In a spontaneous social situation, such as getting on a bus, entering a building, crossing the street, standing in line at the checkout stand, crossing a crowded room, and a million other places where I encounter strangers, people are not people to me, they are obstacles. I am not oblivious to people. In fact, I am very much aware of my surroundings - but not in a personal way. My objective in these situations is to get to my destination and accomplish my goal without annoying anyone. It is a game. How can I pass unnoticed through a mass of randomly moving bodies without bumping, jostling or startling the objects that stand between me and my goal? It is not a Jedi mind trick. I just assume that others do not want to be bothered as they go about their business anymore than I want to be interrupted in arriving at my destination.

As a result, however, I miss many opportunities for spontaneous service. The objects I so carefully avoid are humans, at least a few of which could use a friendly greeting, a warm smile, or just an acknowledgment of their existence. I am surrounded by opportunities to serve and lift and help, even in tiny ways, and I miss them constantly.

Instead of being focused solely on my task and goal, which is a vital talent in the work I do, I need to be open to the people around me when I am in a social situation. I have to think in advance that I might encounter someone who needs help or a greeting or even just a friendly smile as I move among people.  Then I need to practice this new behavior until it becomes automatic. Just like any other talent, the talent of service must be practiced. I may have the greatest musical ear in the world and phenomenal potential to play the violin like Itzhak Perlman. But if I never pick up the violin, never take a lesson, and never practice, my talent is useless and will eventually disappear.

The ability to serve is a gift. God gives gifts when we ask Him. He will not, however, give a gift to one whom he knows will not enlarge it through practice. Opportunities to serve are also gifts, but they are also invitations to practice. With daily practice, I can get better at anything, whether it is writing, or music, or service. Clear writing, beautiful music, and gracious service are not accidents.

Even a turkey can soar with the eagles

"Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:28-31)

What I love about these verses is that God, the creator of all things, never gets tired of me. He never faints in despair at my frailties and shortcomings. He who has all strength is willing to keep strengthening me, when I would have given up on me ages ago. What's more, he takes me at whatever level I am. If I can fly, he gives me wings. If I cannot fly but can at least run, he will strengthen my running. And if all I can do is walk, he'll keep me going. The pace doesn't matter to God, only the direction and the willingness to give it my all.

The key is to "wait upon the Lord". One sense of "waiting" is "anticipating with expectation". To wait is not to sit down and do nothing. It is doing everything I can and then expecting a miracle, because God is a God of miracles - always has been and always will be. He made the ends of the earth without getting tired. Surely he can make something out of me.

To "wait" on someone is also to serve them, like the waitress who brought me a sandwich and a piece of pie last night. When I wait upon (i.e., serve) God, my strength is renewed. Now matter how tired I get in his service, he pumps me back up and sets me on the course for the next round.

If I wait upon the Lord (which means serving without worrying about running out of strength, and expecting miracles from the God of miracles), I believe that even turkeys like me can someday soar with the eagles.

Praying in the name of Jesus: Am I taking the Lord's name in vain?

We as Christians are taught to pray to the Father in the name of Jesus (for example, Ephesians 5:20). We typically end our prayers with the phrase “In the name of Jesus Christ.” When we do anything in the name of Christ, we are doing what we believe Christ would do. So when I offer a prayer in the name of Christ, I should be offering the kind of prayer that Jesus himself would pray.

I think most of the time, however, my prayers are not the kind of prayers Jesus would offer to his Father. My prayers are many times selfish or prideful or even thoughtless. I fear that I take the Lord’s name in vain when I attach his name to my misguided prayers.

The answer, of course, is not to stop praying. Our Father is happy with every prayer we send his way. Any prayer is better than no prayer. My prayer does not have to be eloquent or fancy or long, and it surely should not be rote or tedious. If I bore myself, I am surely boring God. Nevertheless, the lesson I am learning is that a prayer should be worthy of Christ’s name when I attach his name to it.

If I begin a prayer by asking the Holy Ghost to teach me what Jesus would pray about if he were offering this prayer, and then listen to the promptings of the Spirit, I can offer a prayer that I can close in the name of Jesus Christ, and do it not in vain. I can pray like the disciples of Christ, for “they did not multiply many words, for it was given unto them what they should pray, and they were filled with desire. And it came to pass that Jesus blessed them as they did pray…; and his countenance did smile upon them, and the light of his countenance did shine upon them… And Jesus said unto them: Pray on” (3 Nephi 19:24-26).

I will “pray on” in the name of Christ in the faith that “Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, he will give it you” (John 16:23).

Did the Creator create evil?

The Great Creator did not create all things.

• The Creator did not create dark, he created light. Dark is merely the absence of the light God created. 
• The Creator did not create cold, he created heat. Cold is merely the absence of the heat God created. 
• The Creator did not create agency, it is co-eternal with God. The Creator did not give us agency, he simply acknowledged that we have it and promised to never remove it or violate it.
• The Creator did not create evil, he created love. Evil is not a creation of God, it is a creation of people who have rejected God's love. 

Light and heat are physical forces that have physical limitations in the physical universe, and thus we may see places of darkness and cold where the Creator's forces do not reach.

God's love, on the other hand, is infinite and eternal. It can reach every corner of the universe and penetrate every human heart.  With their agency, people create places that are dark and cold by erecting walls and barriers to block light and heat. With that same agency, people create evil by erecting walls and barriers around their hearts to block God's love.

We cannot blame the Creator for darkness or cold or evil. We can blame only ourselves for using our inalienable agency to build the walls that keep God's beautiful creations out.

My prayer is that the Creator will show me the walls I have built around my heart so that I can tear them down and let his light, warmth, and love shine brightly in my life, and that I can bring a measure of light, warmth, and love into the lives of others.

The errand of all those who know the Creator's love is to shine His light into the darkness, radiate His warmth into the cold, and share His love where it is absent.

Living life Upside Down

No one will argue that everyone has struggles. We are all different, and we all have our own struggles, but it is a universal truth that we all struggle. That is why we are here on earth, to "prove [us] herewith, to see if [we] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [our] God shall command [us]" (Abraham 3:25). God tests us with life in mortality and a world full of wonderful and distracting things, not so much so we can prove to him what we can do, but to prove to ourselves what we are made of.

I struggle to get out of my own way and let the Lord’s hand work in my life. I struggle with pride and vanity and letting other people shine without worrying about how their brilliance reflects on me. I struggle to learn simple lessons and then to implement what I have learned instead of just doing the same old thing the same old way.

When I was young and starting out, I focused on getting my temporal life in order: education, career, marriage, family, house, furniture, reliable cars that had to keep expanding as the number of car seats increased, and a reasonable amount of entertainment. The Church was really a hobby. I kept the commandments, read the scriptures, paid tithing, went to church, did my home teach most of the time, filled my callings (unless they became totally inconvenient), went to ward temple night most months, and so on. I did the essential things, and I said that once I got established in life, and I was not so busy with the temporal demands of this telestial existence, I would focus more on the spiritual things. I would go to the temple more, get serious about family history research, really study the scriptures, bake more loaves of bread for my neighbors, get anxiously engaged in a good cause and do good works of my own free will, figure out what the temple covenants really mean, pray more diligently, ask for the gift of charity, align my life with the will of the Lord, and so on.

What I am learning is that all of that temporal stuff was, and still is, a distraction. I focused on the stuff of the world for forty years, and now I am finding that those habits do not just fall away when I decide it’s time to get serious. It is all upside down and backwards. Life is the distraction that keeps me from seeing what is really important. In my old age, I see that faith and service are the stuff of existence, and temporal pursuits are the hobby. The Book of Mormon teaches repeatedly that if we keep the commandments of God, we shall prosper in the land. For so long I lived as if the Book of Mormon said, “if ye prosper in the land, ye shall be able to keep my commandments.” I have had it all backwards, and when I try to turn it around, the old habits of thought and practice are hard to break.

When we are ready, however, the Lord humbles us. He has promised that if we ask him, he will show us our weaknesses. I have put that promise to the test, and I can testify that the Lord delivers, for I see weaknesses all over the place in my life. He has also made a related promise: He will make weak things become strong unto us (see Ether 12:27). I'm anxious to see how the second half of the promise pans out for me. I've got the weakness part down pretty good. Now I'm waiting for the strength part to kick in. The older I get, the more I hope that it gets here while I can still remember what I asked for.

Pioneer Day thoughts

We have concluded another Pioneer Day weekend. The Latter-day Saints share a common heritage of hardy and faithful pioneers who left their homes and often all of their material belongings and sometimes even their most cherished loved ones to honor the call of a Prophet to gather with the saints in Zion. Whether we are direct descendants of these brave men and women or simply thrilled at their stories of sacrifice, hardship, and heroism, they are our spiritual forefathers. I appreciate them, though I am not directly descended from them, because where and how I live is directly attributable to their heroic efforts.

In a way I had never thought of before, I see Heavenly Father as the Great and Eternal Forefather. He surely must have sacrificed and labored greatly to pave the way for the life we enjoy as his spirit children. Without him, we would be disorganized intelligences floating about in a universe of chaos. Through his heroic efforts, he brought organization to the universe, clothed us in spirits, gave us this earth, provided a means for us to obtain physical bodies, and made a way for us to return to him and become like him. I owe him everything.

Second, I hold the happiness of many generations in my hands. My ancestors, who accept the gospel in the Spirit World and are worthy to receive saving ordinances, cannot be happy until I do the work for them so that they are sealed together and to God. My posterity depends on my example and my efforts to ensure that they have a righteous lineage in which to be born so that they, too, will be sealed in this family and to God. Both groups of spirits are very near and are anxiously watching. If I squander my time and fail to live up to my responsibilities, they will be highly disappointed and terribly frustrated. In the end, I know that God’s mercy and justice will put everything in its proper order, but I would hate to be the missing link that he had to work around to save his children.